The level/amount of description is probably too high, especially for an action sequence, which you want to move fast. (But maybe wait until May 1 to cut it down!)
E.G. The next slides open with a hydraulic HISS. There are a couple of tables with benches, as well as cabinets and bins for storing food. They look too small to hold a man. Not wanting to waste time, LEMMON leaves.
You could do it faster. The essence is that the room's empty and there's nowhere for anywhere to hide.
The lumps of description/action should be broken up. People talk about "writing down the page" or "verticality". Basically it means keep hitting return.
So... She delivers another BLOW to the face with her left hand before dragging her blade across the man’s throat. He gurgles and clutches his neck, eyes bulging as he drowns in his own blood.
LEMMON licks blood from her lips, and admires her handiwork.
Suddenly she’s KICKED in the side of the head by an unseen attacker.
LEMMON rolls off the dead man, and faces her new assailant while crouched on the floor. He is tall and stocky with arms are covered in scars. He also has a knife.
Is probably better as
She PUNCHES him HARD in the face, SLICES her blade across his neck.
He gurgles, clutching at his neck.
Blood seeps through his fingers. He dies.
LEMMON licks blood from her lips, smiles.
Another ATTACKER, tall and stocky, arms covered in scars, KICKS her in the side of the head.
LEMMON rolls off the dead man, crouches.
The Attacker has a knife.
It reads a lot faster that way, feels more like action. And it helps your page count!
It's all good (if not so clean) fun. The content works, it's just hard to read in big lumps.
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SF08: Gethsemane - Thriller
SF08: Shooting - Comedy - 105 pages - done
Good luck to you all.
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