EXT.MUSELAND
Clouds. Floaty stuff. Yes, I'm crap at descriptions. Random people whiz by on these clouds, smoking various stuff and constantly chasing after the next cloud.

Suddenly, a rather girlish man comes into view. She/he is serenly meditating on his/her cloud. This woman/man is WILLIAM.

WILLIAM
Our story begins today, on this cloud... Somewhere. It would help if this narrator, William Williamson, knew where he was.
Sadly, he does not.

A thief suddenly snatches one of his possessions.

WILLIAM
Could you just give me a moment, please? I'll be right back.

WILLIAM chases after the next cloud, screaming.

WILLIAM
THE NARRATOR WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS AND WANTED THE WRETCHED THIEF TO GIVE HIM HIS PIPE BACK!

EXT.THE NEXT CLOUD
The next cloud is basically identical to the cloud before, except more hippy-ish. Yeah, man.

WILLIAM catches up to CASSIE.

CASSIE throws the pipe back to him.

CASSIE
Here's your pipe back. But...

CASSIE throws the grass over the cloud.

WILLIAM
The narrator, William, was stuck for words, and could not think of anything to call the thief but a... a... a... hussy! And... And... And... a mashed potato!

CASSIE
The name's Cassie. I do not resemble a mashed potato in the slightest.

WILLIAM
The thief had introduced herself as Cassie.
Cassie was a Muse, it seemed, but also led a double life as a pipe-stealer-and-giver-backer.

CASSIE is distracted. Something beyond the cloud has caught her eye.

CASSIE
SHUSH. If you don't, I'll turn you into a frog.

WILLIAM obediently shushes.

CASSIE points towards a house in the distance.

WILLIAM
Inside the house was a desk buried with papers. They hadn't moved for what seemed like years.

CASSIE
La-la-la... I'm not listening...

WILLIAM
Suddenly, the papers seemed to twitch.

CASSIE gives a sigh of relief, and uses her X-Ray vision to assess the situation.

WILLIAM
Something was very wrong. Underneath the pile of papers sat a human being, transfixed at the letters before her. Those letters were meant to make up her novel. Sadly, they did not. Instead of a novel, they resembled a bunch of unreadable squiggles, filled with corrections in red pen and Tippex.

CASSIE scowls.

CASSIE
You're being really distracting, you know that, right?

WILLIAM
The human being begins to sob, trickles of her tears splashing onto the paper. Her mascara (and her nose) are also beginning to run. It is not a pretty sight.

CASSIE is angry.

CASSIE
This has the work of the Inner Editors all over it.

WILLIAM
Cassie was stating the obvious here, if I do say so myself.
Once upon a time, there were Muses and Inner Editors, both battling to control authors...

CASSIE
We don't have time for your narration! And I do not control, I INSPIRE.
Damn it, everyone else is still on holiday because NaNoWriMo isn't on. I have to stop those wretched Inner Editors from ruining A. Writer's novel. I really hate being her Muse sometimes.

WILLIAM
Of course, SOME Muses were reluctant to take care of their charges, but Muse Law governed that it was compulsory.
The alternative was living in Muse Editor Swamp, a halfway house for Inner Editors and Muses alike.

CASSIE
I'm just going to ignore you now, William. You're beginning to irritate me.
I was beginning to like Norway, too...

WILLIAM
Cassie the Muse was going to have to prepare for her long journey, right here in the deep heart of Norway -

CASSIE
No. You're in Museland. Get your facts straight, narrator.
Now, where else am I supposed to buy an Invi Doll from?
You might as well make yourself useful, instead of just standing there, NARRATING INCORRECTLY.
Help me pack!

CASSIE and WILLIAM shove all of CASSIE's property into her 'Mary Poppins' style bag.

WILLIAM
Cassie owned a simply wonderful 'Mary Poppins' style bag. - it wasn't that huge a deal to be able to stick a lamp into a bag in Museland, in fact, it was fashion.

CASSIE
AARGH!

CASSIE shoves WILLIAM into her bag.

WILLIAM
[MUFFLED] It was curious, however, that Cassie did not depart for her author right away.

CASSIE
How long have you been here, again?

CASSIE frees WILLIAM.

WILLIAM
In the two months that this narrator had been here, it was strange, how, unlike the other Muses, who were always flying off to places, Cassie always stayed here.

CASSIE
Fine, rub it in, will you?
I haven't been able to fly after a tiny little incident...

INT.EXAMINATION ROOM
Shush. You're not meant to be talking!

EXAMINER
Cassandra, I'm afraid we are going to have to revoke your flying licence, at least for this year. Your flying is what we would consider dangerous to the public, and we suggest you take some anger management classes.

CASSIE
Up yours, you stupid bitch! Give me my bloody licence back or I'll bloody kill you!

EXAMINER
Well, I say! I think it's time to call the police...

CASSIE
You bitch!

CASSIE tries to strangle the EXAMINER.

EXT.MUSELAND
Yep, we're still in Museland.

WILLIAM
Cassie did not currently possess a flying licence, and seemed to have a restraining order against the Muse Board of Law Enforcement.

CASSIE
Well, actually, they have one against me.

WILLIAM
Cassie was now in a bit of a dilemma. How was she going to fly down to Earth without being arrested by the Muse Police for violating her restraining order?

CASSIE
Ah, this is where you come in, William.

WILLIAM
Cassie had hatched a plan involving the unsuspecting narrator. Oops.

CASSIE
All I need you to do is fly me down to Earth. Pwease? Pwetty pwease?

WILLIAM
But -

CASSIE
FLY!

WILLIAM
Cassie didn't know that this narrator couldn't -

CASSIE
Fly, fat boy, fly!

WILLIAM jumps off the cloud with CASSIE on his back (in a totally non-sexual way, of course).

INT.MUSE AIRLINES JET
Ew, are we in a bird? Are we in a plane? No, we're in a Muse Airlines plane!

CASSIE
Where's Wally?

FRANKIE points at the front of the plane, where WILLIAM is hanging from the window by his underwear.

FRANKIE
Who is he, anyway?

CASSIE
Oh, William's one of those Narrator creatures. He's been following me ever since I stole his grass.

WILLIAM
This narrator desperately needed help, as hanging in this position was beginning to chafe his balls.

FRANKIE
So, he DOES have some balls.

FRANKIE and CASSIE click their fingers, and WILLIAM materialises before them.

CASSIE
William, you said you could fly!

WILLIAM
William the narrator recalled no such thing. Cassie had merely assumed that he could fly.

FRANKIE
So, are you and Cassie going somewhere?
A last-minute ticket to Chicago, Illinois, the United States of America, The Earth, The Solar System, The Universe will be 2500 Marshmallows, please.

CASSIE
Frankie. We meet again.

WILLIAM
Frankie and Cassie had known each other since they were little Musettes, and he kept on popping up like a bad smell wherever she went, even more so since he had started working for Muse Airlines. He knew all about her, how she was prone to memory loss on Earth, how much she despised A. Writer on some occasions, and the fact that she would always be determined to do what was right, no matter how big a mess it got her into later. Needless to say, although they tried not to show it, they cared for each other like brother and sister, and knew each other inside out (no, not in that way, you dirty-minded people).

CASSIE
Wait, how do you know all of this? Oh, never mind...
Muse Airlines is a bloody rip-off. I bet Inner Editor Airlines wouldn't have charged me this much.

WILLIAM
Apart from not being able to fly this year, her stock of Marshmallows, Muse currency, was also running low.

CASSIE
Why don't you just rub salt in the wound?

FRANKIE
Well, it was your own fault for getting 'involved' with that inner editor...

FRANKIE has a book thrown at his head.

WILLIAM
Frankie was cut off by the heavy object that had made a connection with his head. It fell to the floor with a clunk. He possessed the annoying gift of being able to read Cassie's mind.

FRANKIE
Oi! It's a bloody cheek, throwing a book at a Muse!

FRANKIE picks up the book. “Advice Isn't All That Reliable”, the title reads. “By A. Writer”. He pockets it.

Sniffing, CASSIE adjusts her stale velvet seat and glances out of the window.

CASSIE
For your information, I did not get 'involved' with that snivelling excuse for an inner editor. Andrew kidnapped Auntie Mildred and was going to erase her from the novel; what was I meant to do? Leave her there? The traffic wardens and examiners have it in for me, anyway. Now, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me alone because this is supposed to be my VACATION.

WILLIAM
You'd think you'd get better seats for that amount of Marshmallows, wouldn't you? Well, if you knew Frankie, it was hopeless. The other passengers were seated in the lap of luxury, and she (and this narrator) were the only exception.

FRANKIE
Oh, now it's ANDREW now, is it?

CASSIE
Not another word, or you too will be hanging from this jet by your underpants tomorrow.

CASSIE shoots FRANKIE a death glare.

WILLIAM
In Museland, looks could really kill if you weren't careful.

FRANKIE
Ooh... I think I just hit a nerve...

CASSIE
I heard that!

EXT.CHICAGO
Ooh, it's bloody freezing here!

CASSIE was awoken rudely with a kick to her backside.

She flies through the air, then lands in a crumpled heap outside A. WRITER's house.

FRANKIE
Muse Airlines at your service. Welcome to Chicago. I trust that you had a pleasant flight. For 500 extra Marshmallows, you could have been woken minus the kick.

CASSIE sticks up her middle finger at him.

WILLIAM
This gesture is known universally to every being in existence.

FRANKIE
Fine, be like that.

The whole Muse Airlines jet disappears in a peal of black smoke.

CASSIE
That can't be good for the environment. A. Writer keeps on going on about global warming, anyway.
Anyway, couldn't you have warned me, William? I thought you were MY narrator! Your meant to be on my side!

WILLIAM
The narrator just thought it would be funny. And payback for stealing his grass.

CASSIE
Hmph. Well, I'm going to get you later, you...

CASSIE is glomped by MILDRED.

WILLIAM
This was strange; characters weren't allowed to move out of their books unless the writer was in the middle of a major plot hole and needed to clear the area... Or... She couldn't remember the other exception right now as she had to get Mildred off her first.

CASSIE
Mildred, get back into the book.

WILLIAM
Cassie commanded this with as much authority as she could muster.
It's kind of hard to sound commanding when you're pinned down to the floor, and someone's squeeing loudly in your ear.

CASSIE
Yes, thank you for stating the obvious, William!
Mildred, no wonder A. Writer's a nervous wreck without you.

MILDRED
But, Cassie, it wasn't my fault... I can't seem to get back into the book... You know Lulu, this Inner Editor person? And Andrew, her boss? Andrew told Lulu to make A. Writer cut me out of the story, which she did... My advice letters too... I honestly didn't think they were THAT bad... Lulu shredded every single mention of my name...

WILLIAM
Mildred didn't get the chance to finish, too busy struggling to keep up with Cassie, whose face had begun to give off this reddish sheen, similar to a lobster. Cassie had just remembered the other reason for characters being out of their books and this made her absolutely furious. She now knew why Mildred couldn't get back in. This Lulu person had erased Mildred? Cassie had gotten into trouble earlier when she saved Mildred from the Inner Editors, but she felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment because although she had saved Mildred once before, she was too late this time. Getting banned from flying was all for nothing then, and she felt responsible for Mildred's health and well-being.

CASSIE
Oh, if only I hadn't been on vacation...
If only I'd checked in on A. Writer once in a while...

WILLIAM
It was one thing for those Inner Editors to ruin her precious vacation, but it made her blood boil to see them modifying and deleting characters, as if they were nothing. They had feelings too, you know! She had to do something to get rid of her rage. Outside, her gaze rested on Lulu, gleefully shredding parts of A. Writer's novel with an evil glint in her eyes. Bingo.

CASSIE
This has Andrew's work, all over it.
And William, you're just not going to shut up, are you?

WILLIAM
Cassie was correct. Us narrators had to keep on narrating until the story was finished. It was in our genes.

MILDRED
Who's Andrew? Is he evil?

CASSIE
Andrew is Lulu's boss. Mildred, talk to William for a while whilst I go and sort something out.

INT.A. WRITER'S HOUSE
Ew, mess.

CASSIE strides through the door, pulls her hand back and lets it slam down onto LULU's cheek, the deafening 'smack' ringing throughout the building.
LULU's eyes widened even more, making her under-eye circles become even saggier, and stumbled onto the floor.

WILLIAM
Lulu appeared to have passed out. Inner Editors, despite their thirst for correct grammar and spelling, were surprisingly weak, for they lived on a diet of Smurfburgers and Smurfshakes. You'll hear more about them later.
A. Writer, oblivious to all this commotion, seemed to be frozen in the position Cassie had last seen her in. She looked even worse close-up. Her hands were stained with ink, her eyes were smudged with mascara, she looked like she hadn't slept in months or maybe years, but all the while, tears slowly dropped down her face.
What A. Writer also couldn't see was Mildred desperately waving her arms in front of her face, wailing.

MILDRED
Put me back in the novel! I want to go back! I didn't get the chance to say goodbye! Not to Ivy, Henry, anyone! Why did you kill me and not Coralie? She's the evil one!

WILLIAM
Stepping over Lulu's still form, Cassie began to drag Mildred away from A. Writer.

CASSIE
I'm sorry, Mildred, there's nothing I can do for you now. This time I'm afraid it's too late.

MILDRED
TOO LATE? What do you mean it's TOO LATE? Am I... dead?

CASSIE
Only in the book. At least you got out of the book before they removed you. They're already preparing your funeral in there. You were... killed by Coralie... A. Writer has transformed the book into a murder mystery... A crap murder mystery, but still a murder mystery...

WILLIAM
The only thing that could be done now was to beam Mildred up to The Great Coffee House In The Sky and clean up this whole horrible mess. Sleeping pills and fairy dust should do it. Cassie was beginning to build the beaming system when she realised there was a slight hitch...

MILDRED
Not going. Not going. Not going. NOT GOING! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!

CASSIE
Can too!

MILDRED
Can not!

CASSIE
Can too!

MILDRED
Can not!

CASSIE
Can too!

MILDRED
Can not!

CASSIE
CAN TOO!

MILDRED
CAN NOT!

CASSIE
CAN TOO!

MILDRED
CAN NOT TIMES MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER SAY! HA!

WILLIAM
Powerless as she struggled to work out this multiplication (Maths was never one of her strong points)...

CASSIE sits on top of LULU's head and farts loudly.

MILDRED
Won't that wake her up? I mean, that fart was strong enough to kill an elephant. It would have killed me, too, if I wasn't already dead.

MILDRED kicks LULU in the shin.

CASSIE
She won't wake for a while. Inner Editors are very weak. Good at grammar and spelling, yes, but they have a lack of Toblerones in their system.

MILDRED looks blank.

WILLIAM
Although she was nodding somewhat wisely, judging by the blank look on Mildred's face, Cassie realised that Mildred did not know what a Toblerone was. This was appalling. What sort of world was A. Writer creating in her books? You could buy Invi Dolls in Mildred's world, but you couldn't buy the food of the Gods, the Holy Grail of all chocolate? This matter had to be resolved, and fast, before all of the characters died from malnutrition.
Cassie promptly forgot about A. Writer (see, she was prone to memory loss, especially when it came to Toblerones).

CASSIE pats MILDRED on the head and farts on LULU's head again.

CASSIE
Don't worry, Mildred. Toblerones make everything better. We're going to make a little trip to a store called Tesco's!

MILDRED
Tesco's?

MILDRED is close to tears.

CASSIE
Oh, my poor, uneducated darling.

CASSIE puts her arm around MILDRED's shoulder and gently steers her towards another Muse Airlines jet.

WILLIAM
This Muse Airlines jet had just materialised out of thin air into the room. Cassie and Mildred disappeared again in another peal of non environmentally-friendly black smoke. If they kept this up, the world would explode in a few chapters.
This narrator had also noticed another narrator watching over Lulu. He would've loved to talk to her, but Narrator Laws stated that he must follow his main character. So, with one last look at the other narrator, off he went.

INT.THE FLOOR
It smells down here.

NUM
A few hours later, Lulu awoke from her slumber. She was unsure of what had just happened. One moment she was erasing that stupid Auntie Mildred from A. Writer's book, the next, that stupid Muse Cassie had hit her around the face and she found herself looking up at the ceiling. Where had she come from, anyway? Wasn't she supposed to be resting in Museland since it wasn't NaNoWriMo yet?
Something about that wasn't right, and that wasn't just the bad smell that seemed to be lurking around the room. As she paced restlessly around it, she realised that the bad smell seemed to be coming from her. She sniffed herself, and discovered that this fact was true; the smell WAS coming from her. Upon further investigation (i.e. further sniffing), she realised that that particular smell was in fact a Muse fart. Worse still, the smell seemed to have traces of that ghastly chocolate Toblerone. So, all that seemed to have transpired while she was unconscious was that Cassie had farted on her head.

LULU
Wow. She must've been bored. Never mind, a Muse farting on my head isn't going to ruin my day.

LULU snaps her fingers and her clothes are transformed.

LULU
Wait a minute, who are YOU?

LULU stares at NUM.

NUM
NUM was surprised that Lulu was not acquainted with her narrator yet.

LULU
So you're one of those narrator creatures. Meh, just as long as you're not a Muse, I'm fine. Narrate away!

NUM
Lulu paused for a moment. Before she became unconscious, she distinctly remembered the instructions from her boss, Andrew.

INT.INNER EDITOR LAND
More floaty stuff.

ANDREW
Kill Mildred in the book and then bring her here so we can punish her for her grammar mistakes.

LULU
Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir.

INT.THE FLOOR
Still smelly.

NUM
There seemed to be a slight hitch; Mildred seemed to have gone missing. How could she when there was no way out of the house without help? Unless... Lulu's brain slowly pieced the events of the day together.

LULU
Andrew's going to kill me... Must... Find... Mildred...

LULU claps her hands and a Inner Editor Airways jet pulls up.

NUM
Lulu had also been banned from flying, for similar reasons as Cassie. These two really needed anger management classes. The same traffic wardens and examiners worked for both Muses and Inner Editors, resulting in the same tests, passes and failures. They were also responsible for restraining orders.

EXT.TESCO'S
It's green and shiny!

WILLIAM
Mildred and Cassie stepped out of Tesco's in Perivale, Middlesex, England, The United Kingdom, Europe, The Earth, The Solar System, The Universe, also affectionately known as the Hoover Building at midnight. It was a horrifying shade of lime green, and could be seen for miles.
Whilst in the store, Cassie also stocked up on her low supply of Marshmallows (did you know how cheap Tesco Value Marshmallows are? And so springy, too). Now she was as rich as erm... a very rich person in Museland, and could afford to get as many Muse Airlines flights as she liked.
Cassie was deciding on the best course of action to take with Mildred, but was abruptly brought out of her reverie by Mildred's squeeing, glomping, and generally being excited.

MILDRED
I didn't know stores in England were such a... vibrant colour!
They remind me of a green version of Mr. Blobby.

WILLIAM
They had seen the Hoover Building and its green from the plane, and at first, Mildred had thought it was radioactive.

MILDRED
Erm, Cassie, I really appreciate this and all, but are you sure this was the nearest Tesco's you could find?

CASSIE reaches over into the carrier bag, breaks off a piece of Toblerone and shoves it into MILDRED's mouth.

WILLIAM
Mildred had picked up an American accent since the last time Cassie had met her and it was beginning to annoy her. Cassie also didn't want her to discover the real reason for their trip. A reason so shameful, that if anyone found out, she'd be sent to a place without Invi Dolls and Toblerones for eternity. And that she couldn't bear...

CASSIE
Right! Enough of your narrating!

CASSIE reaches over into the carrier bag again, and breaks off another piece of Toblerone. She shoves it more forcefully this time into WILLIAM's mouth.

WILLIAM
Mmmmmm...

MILDRED
Mmmmmm...

WILLIAM
This narrator and Mildred grinned approvingly, their mouths covered with chocolate. When Cassie peered into the bag again, it was completely empty.

CASSIE
How did you eat that so fast?

WILLIAM
Cassie looked at Mildred and William with wonder. Even a Muse, couldn't consume chocolate at that rate.

MILDRED
Oh, it came with my character. A. Writer gave me superhuman powers when it came to chocolate. I mean, I WAS a advice columnist. I could always consume vast amounts of chocolate without gaining weight.

WILLIAM
At the mention of her old home, Mildred suddenly burst into tears.

CASSIE
...

WILLIAM
Cassie was speechless.

CASSIE
DUH!

WILLIAM
She had never seen Mildred like this before.

CASSIE
Also... DUH!

WILLIAM
Mildred was always this happy-go-lucky kind of person, who was slightly annoying, but there when you needed her.

MILDRED
WHAT?!

CASSIE
You're not helping, you know.

WILLIAM
Mildred was always willing to help people out, even if it meant writing really rubbish advice letters, as Auntie Mildred of Tinsel Magazine. At the very least, it cheered her readers up. What had Lulu and A. Writer done to her by casting her out of the book? She might even have a nervous breakdown.

CASSIE
She's not going to have a nervous breakdown.

MILDRED
I'm not?

CASSIE
Well... Maybe.

WILLIAM
Characters, once they were out of their books, tended to adopt human characteristics which could be disastrous. It was time to take action before Mildred did something horrible. This trip to Tesco's had done nothing but open Cassie's eyes to the seriousness of the situation. Cassie had to do something, anything, for Mildred, even if the end result for Cassie was being sent to a place without Invi Dolls and Toblerones by the evil people on Muse Police. Mind you, she'd probably be sent down anyway if they ever discovered the real reason for the trip to England, so it wouldn't hurt to help Mildred.

CASSIE
STOP HINTING AT THE REAL REASON!

WILLIAM
The narrator wondered why Cassie didn't want anyone to know the real reason.

CASSIE
Because I don't, OK?

WILLIAM
If the plan failed, Mildred would be no worse off. She had already refused to go to The Great Big Coffee House In The Sky, which was the only refuge available for dead characters nowadays. The nuns had gotten tired (or bored. Or drunk. Same thing, really) of running The Great Big Convent In The Sky several centuries before. Maybe it had something to do with Henry VIII (Henry VIII was an Inner Editor, you know).
She now knew where to put Mildred, but first, she had to get her calm.

MILDRED
Where are you going to put me? When are you going to put me there? Why?

WILLIAM
A hysterical Mildred is not a happy Mildred, as Cassie had learnt from past situations.

CASSIE
William. I am going to put your balls through a blender if you don't narrate more sensitively.
Right. We're going back to Tesco's. And this time Mildred's paying for the Toblerones.

MILDRED
But... how? I don't have any money.

CASSIE
You have Marshmallows, don't you?

WILLIAM
Cassie pointed this out like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

CASSIE
Humans, because they don't have Muse power (Nananananananana... MUSE POWER!), will see these Tesco Value Marshmallows as their weird money.

MILDRED
I get it... I think. But why do you Muse people use Marshmallows as money? And why is it always regarded as a proper noun?

CASSIE
Blame the Inner Editors for the proper noun thing. Don't even try to talk to me about grammar and spelling or I will have to kill you.
Just answer me this: can you eat human money? I think not. You can eat Muse money, though – hey, but don't eat the money, we need it!

CASSIE grabs the fistful of marshmallows from MILDRED's mouth.

CASSIE
Plus, you can use Muse money as a floatation device if you're in danger... Don't try that either!

CASSIE glares as MILDRED starts to build a boat out of marshmallows.

MILDRED
All right, all right, I get it, I'll buy the Toblerones.

CASSIE
I'll leave the other idea until later...

WILLIAM
Cassie's amnesiac brain cells had other plans.

CASSIE
What other plans?

WILLIAM
The glow of the green building reflected on all their faces, as the narrator made a mental note to himself not to meddle in the story's events.

INT.INNER EDITOR AIRWAYS JET

Ooh, shiny new seats!

SMURF
Ba da, ba ba ba, we're Smurfin' it.

NUM
Lulu was sitting in her plush seat and eating Marshmallows in the First Class section on the Inner Editors Airways jet (for being an Inner Editor who wasn't friends with a flight attendant did have its' perks).
She found herself reluctantly humming tunelessly along to the jingle on the radio.

SMURF
Buy the MacSmurf burger! Only 9 Llamas while it lasts!

NUM
Already Lulu could feel herself being brainwashed. She knew she'd be buying the MacSmurf burger with all her Llamas within the next week, whether she liked it or not. Eventually, a song came on...

SMURF
Smurfy, don't hurt me; don't Smurf me, no more. Oh, woah woah woah; yeah, yeah yeah... Oh oh oh, Smurfy, don't hurt me. don't Smurf me, no more...

LULU
Haven't you got anything better to listen to than Smurf Radio?

LULU glares at the door that reads 'Staff Only'.

LULU
Smurfs are an insult to grammar and spelling.

SMURF
You got that right!

LULU
Smurf isn't even a real word.

ANDREW
As a matter of fact, Smurfs hail from the town of Portsmouth. I happened to create them while I was in the area, having tea with the mayor. He created Smurfette, you know. Something about loneliness and lack of women to keep him company. Pervy old git.

NUM
Where had that come from? Lulu was in trouble, it seemed...

LULU
NUM, shush!

ANDREW
Are you insulting my creations now? Are you? Are you insulting my creations now?

NUM
Lulu, sitting there like a Dover sole, was quiet.
Andrew was known for having a bad temper, and something tiny like a Smurf could provoke him. He was also beginning to sound like a male version of Catherine Tate.

ANDREW
What did your narrator just call me?

LULU
...

ANDREW
Well? Are you mute today, or what?

NUM
A chill was beginning to slowly creep across the room, and the impending silence was beginning to annoy her. OK, NOW he was getting pissed off.

LULU
No, Mr. Ape, I mean, Andrew, I mean, Mr. English Teacher, I mean, Sir. My narrator is having problems with her narration at the moment...

LULU tapes NUM's mouth with Inner Editor Tape.

LULU
I stand corrected. Smurfs will rule the world some day.

NUM
[MUFFLED] Lulu was secretly praying that all this Smurf talk would make him forget about the task he had set her earlier. Unfortunately, life/fate/karma has a funny way of helping you out, to loosely quote from an Alanis Morissette song (Isn't it ironic, don't you think?).

ANDREW
You eejit! Inner Editors will take over the world some day. And everyone will eventually have perfect grammar and spelling. None of this 'chav talk' business.

NUM
[STILL MUFFLED] Lulu was beginning to wonder when Andrew would realise that...

ANDREW
Realise what?

ANDREW takes the tape off NUM's mouth.

LULU
No!

NUM
...A) She was banned from flying...

ANDREW
WHAT?!

LULU
NO MORE, NUM!

NUM
...B) She was without Mildred...

ANDREW
I give you one simple instruction, and you can't even carry THAT out!

NUM
and C...

ANDREW
There's a C?!

NUM
C) She didn't know where Mildred was.

ANDREW
Why are you going on a plane to...

ANDREW checks the flight details on his Inner Editor Mac.

ANDREW
Museland? Since when did you think that crossing the borders between the Inner Editor Coast and the Muse Channel without a good disguise would be a good idea? Cassie is bound to recognise you, if she's even there, which I doubt she is. She's a Muse, for crying out loud! She'll have probably dragged Mildred to some place that sells those wretched Gothic dolls of hers!

LULU
...What dolls?

ANDREW
You... You... You...

LULU
Smurf?

ANDREW
Shut up!

ANDREW swears at LULU.

ANDREW
Haven't you noticed that rag doll with the blue hair and blue lipstick that she carries around with her? It seems to talk to her. Find out where it comes from and go there. Fly to Toys'R'Us! Why are you on this plane, anyway?

LULU
Erm, Sir, I've got a year-long ban on flying... Remember?

ANDREW
Who says? Tell them to unban you, then!

LULU
The Inner Editor Board of Law Enforcement, Sir. They're even more powerful than you, if you'll allow me to say so...

ANDREW
Get onto another plane that is going via Toys'R'Us, then!

ANDREW melts into the seat.

LULU
I wish I could do that. That was such a cool power to have. Inner Editors don't have any basic, pre-programmed powers, apart from spell-checking, but what use was that against Cassie's x-ray vision and DIY skills?

NUM
Lulu tried to settle into her seat. She wasn't concentrating on Smurf Radio any more; she now had more important topics on her mind. It was just what she needed on a rainy day; having to brave the terrors of Toys'R'Us, dodge the sticky kids and parents, just to find one stupid rag doll on a whim of Andrew's, in case it gave her any clues to Mildred and Cassie's whereabouts...
Lulu stopped her train of thought abruptly. He might be reading her thoughts again. Better to be safe than sorry.

LULU
[SARCASTIC] Oh, it's off to Toys'R'Us we go! With luck, I might even get to meet a Smurf!

NUM
Things were NOT going her way. It also was annoying that she was having a Random Song Moment at that exact moment in time (“If things won't go your way, hold on for one more day...”).

EXT.LONDON

WILLIAM
Meanwhile, Cassie was busy giving Mildred a Muse tour of London. She was pointing out all the landmarks that were important to Muses... The landmarks that Cassie showed Mildred were ones that bore no significance to anyone else.

CASSIE
Look, 189 Shaftesbury Avenue! That's the Emap block, also home to Heat Towers and tons more magazines and radio stations!

MILDRED
...

CASSIE
ZOMG, it's Fruit Towers, where Innocent smoothies are created!

WILLIAM
Cassie seemed to have a slight obsession with the companies that created the things she couldn't live without. If the Toblerone office was in London, she would've been there in a flash.
Needless to say, Mildred didn't seem to care, and was beginning to feel homesick.

MILDRED
Can I go back home now, Cassie? It's not that I don't love you, I do (as a friend, of course), it's just that Ivy's going to kill that Invi Doll if I don't come back and stop her.

WILLIAM
Cassie had just had a MAJOR brainwave (not literally, of course).

CASSIE
INVI DOLL! You're obviously homesick if you don't have an Invi Doll to talk to. WE MUST GET YOU AN INVI DOLL!

MILDRED
Erm, OK, I'll do whatever you say, Cassie...

WILLIAM
Mildred and this author had both realised that crossing Cassie was not a good idea. Lulu's demise was just an example of what she could do if they did not comply.

CASSIE
We must fly to Toys'R'US!

Another Muse Airlines jet appears.

FRANKIE
Our records show that this is your third flight in a day, Cassie. With another mystery passenger, too? Did you just go and rob a marshmallow factory or something?

CASSIE
The mystery passenger would be Mildred, behind me. The character I'm trying to save. And I didn't rob a marshmallow factory. I just went to Tesco's. I'm not an Inner Editor.

WILLIAM
Cassie gave him a glare that would've reduced anyone to jelly, and boarded the flight. Sadly, being friends with Frankie had diminished her power over time, and Frankie was left pretty much unharmed. Unless you count the fact that the glare had caused the elastic in his trousers to snap, so they had ridden down and you could see what was below.

MILDRED gestures wildly at the exposed area.

FRANKIE
Oh, um, erm... Oops...

FRANKIE covers whatever he can with his hands.

MILDRED
It's OK.

MILDRED giggles.

MILDRED
Here, I bought a towel from Tesco's...

MILDRED throws the towel at FRANKIE. They grin shyly at each other.

CASSIE
Oi, you two lovebirds, could you stop making sweet talk for like, a second? Do you want to go to Toys'R'Us by the next millennium or not?

FRANKIE
(WHISPERING)
Not.

MILDRED
But you'll live to regret it if you cross her. I mean, look what she did to you.

MILDRED points to the Tesco towel.

FRANKIE
So, Toys'R'Us, shall we?

EXT.THE AIR

NARRATOR
Uh-oh... Lulu at Toys'R'Us, Cassie and Mildred flying to Toys'R'Us... Mega suspense alert! You know something is about to happen. Duh.