CHRIS B. enters the Spork Room and finds a large spacious chamber. Comfortable chairs are scattered around, and the SPORKERS work on their novels, munch on cookies, and hug each other.
DELORFINDE
Look, a newcomer.
(runs over and hugs Chris B.)
Hug!
THEGREATWHITEWOLF
(also hugging Chris B.)
Would you care for some cookies or a stuffed animal?
CHRIS B.
Well, actually, I’m looking for a spork . . .
DELORFINDE
Well, you’ve come for the right place for sporks.
THEGREATWHITEWOLF
Yeah, we’ve got plastic sporks, silver sporks, titanium sporks --
LARELMIAN
Titanium sporks!
DELORFINDE
Here she goes again.
LARELMIAN bounces up and down and music plays in the background. Several SPORKERS gather around to listen to her song (sung to the tune of “The Water Buffalo Song.”)
LARELMIAN
(singing)
Everybody’s got a titanium spork
Half a spoon and half a fork –
Good to slay dragons or eat pork –
Oh, everybody’s got a titanium spoooorrk.
Sporked my critic – said it’s dull.
Sporked my muse – fill it that whole.
Sporked my editor – it’s spelled hole.
Sporked the stupid flame-baiting troll.
SUSHI rushes up to LARELMIAN.
SUSHI
Stop, stop! What are you singing? You can’t say that everyone’s got a titanium spork, because they don’t. We’re going to get a lot of nasty posts saying, “Where’s my titanium spork? Why don’t I have a titanium spork?” Are you prepared to deal with that? I don’t think so.
AlEX COLLINS
This has been ridiculous songs by Larelmian. Join us next time to hear Larelmian sing . . .
LARELMIAN
(singing)
Everybody’s got a little plot bunny.
Mine has pirates but yours has –
The song ends when SUSHI tackles LARELMIAN to the ground.
CHRIS B.
Does this sort of thing happen often?
THEGREATWHITEWOLF
All the time.
LASTCRAZYHORN
(offering Chris B. a plate of cookies)
Cookie?
CHRIS B.
I’m really trying to find the Golden Spork of Destiny.
SPORKERS
(in unison)
Ooh.
CHRIS B.
You see, my inner editor and inner critic stole my muse.
LASTCRAZYHORN
Shove them in the Spork Pit.
MIKESCOTT
Banish them to the Isle of Perpetual Sporking, where they shall be stabbed with sporks day and night, even if they say pretty please.
ALEX COLLINS
What if they say, “I command you in the name of Lady Scrirbbles”?
LARELMIAN
Not even then!
SUSHI
I’ve got to start commanding people in the name of Lady Scribbles.
CHRIS B.
So, does anyone know where I might find a Golden Spork of Destiny? Or a plot bunny? Some ninjas ran off with mine.
DELORFINDE
Oh, those tricky ninjas.
THEGREATWHITEWOLF
Have you tried the Plot Bunny Daycare Center? They’ve got lots of bunnies there.
CHRIS B.
I suppose that means I’ll need to write another plot hole to jump into.
THEGREATWHITEWOLF
Don’t worry about it; I’ll just give you a link.
A shimmering portal appears, and CHRIS B. steps through it.
CHRIS B. finds himself in a large open field with bunnies of all colors and sizes – from tiny to the size of elephants – bounding around, eating, building roller-coasters, etc. One fierce bunny leaps straight at CHRIS B.’s face and begins chewing on it.
CHRIS B.
Help! Get it off! Get it off me! Oh, ow, get it off!
LAUREN
Alphonse!
LAUREN dons large leather gloves and pries the ravenous bunny off of CHRIS B. LAUREN places the bunny in a large, reinforced cage and fastens the many locks.
