INT. PURGATORY
HENCHMAN 1 (OS)
Oooh, let me guess. This one's gotta be good.
HENCHMAN 2 (OS)
Frat accident?
Meg's eyes snap open. Two guys hover over her. One of them looks like half his face is missing. The other one is bruised, nose flattened and missing most of his teeth. They're standing in a cave, dimly lit with torches.
HENCHMAN 1
Nah, she's too old. I think toga party. Or Halloween.
HENCHMAN 2
It's not time for October yet.
Meg sits up, and her swimsuit shows through.
HENCHMAN 1
She was drowned. Right? Am I right?
MEG
Where am I?
HENCHMAN 1
You're dead. So how'd you die? Was it violent?
MEG
Dead? Really? You're kidding right?
HENCHMAN 2
Nope. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a post. You've kicked the bucket, pushing up daisies. They're probably tossing dirt over you now as we speak.
HENCHMAN 1
Don't be an idiot. That's not right. The coroner probably isn't even there yet.
MEG
I can't be dead!
HENCHMAN 1
Course you can. But that's not important. The important thing is how you died!
HENCHMAN 2
Yeah, we've got a little wager going. Helps pass the time.
MEG
It was- It was a snake. A rattlesnake. I was walking through the desert.
HENCHMAN 1
Oh. You're one of those.
MEG
One of what?
HENCHMAN 2
Ha! That means I win!
He punches his buddy on the arm.
HENCHMAN 1
No. Death by snake. That's natural. That means I win.
HENCHMAN 2
No. She's you know, coo coo? Off in the middle of the desert dressed like that?
HENCHMAN 1
She's not bloody Cleopatra. It's not like she was trying to kill herself. You didn't want to die, did you darlin'
MEG
No!
HENCHMAN 1
See?
HENCHMAN 2
I still won.
HENCHMAN 1
Did not.
HENCHMAN 2
Did too.
MEG
Shut up! Just tell me where I am, because this sure as hell doesn't look like hea-
HENCHMAN 1
Ah, don't worry. This isn't either. You haven't been processed yet.
MEG
Processed?
HENCHMAN 2
Yeah. Here. Take this number.
He gives her a paper number with a really long number on it.
HENCHMAN 2
Follow the arrows on the ground, and wait for them to call your number.
He points to the ground where flourescent yellow arrows lead out of the cave.
MEG
So I can still go somewhere... uh nice?
HENCHMAN 1
You're asking the wrong two dudes. We just work here- and well, we've never been anywhere nice.
HENCHMAN 2
I been to Bermuda once.