I know some people are uncomfortable with this, whether it be self-consciousness or fear that someone'll steal their idea. But, I don't think anyone'll make it big off of mine (including myself), so, I figure, what the hell. And I could get some covetted criticism, as well.

Mine's about three girls in an all girls boarding school, not stereotypical cliques/parties, but, rather, their relationships and whatnot. They kind of lack communication and find their previously close relationship falling to shambles, in light of other things.

It's a pretty long excerpt. Sorry. I couldn't bear to cut it off anywhere else.

And the formatting's whack. That PDF doesn't copy and paste very well.

----------

INT. ST. JEREMY'S CAFETERIA.

A strange buzzing noise is heard prominently through the
opening credits. A 'snowy' television screen fades out to
reveal the interior of the St. Jeremy cafeteria.
ELEANOR, MARY-KATE and JENNIFER sit amongst their peers.

Mary-Kate is a beautiful girl, with a slight air of
determination that could easily be perceived as arrogance. She
files her nails as she talks unanimatedly to Jennifer across
the table, who is vying desperately for every morsel of
attention she can get from Mary-Kate. Jennifer is pretty, if
not slightly shy, adapting the same habits as the girl across
from her. Eleanor, the prettiest of the three, sits apart from
them, chewing thoughtfully.

MARY-KATE
He kept telling me to use the
formula. What formula? I don't
remember any formula. And when I
said that he just stared at me with
those big buggy eyes. He kind of
looks like a bug, doesn't he?

Jennifer nods wildly to every one of Mary-Kate's comments.

The buzzing noise becomes clearer as Mary-Kate talks, turning
out to be an amalgamation of voices, Eleanor's voice,
whispering variations of 'do it' and 'spit it out' in hushed
but persistent tones.

Jennifer takes a generous bite of chocolate cake as Mary-Kate
speaks.

MARY-KATE
What's a discriminant? b squared
minus 4ac. Something stupid like
that. I don't even know. I don't
even want to know-

Throughout Mary-Kate's spiel, the chanting in Eleanor's head
becomes louder and more prominent. Just as it reaches it's
height, and becomes almost too unbearable (even for the
audience), Eleanor interrupts Mary-Kate.

ELEANOR
I had sex.

Mary-Kate and Jennifer continue what they are doing for a
split second, then slowly turn to look at Eleanor, one by one,
Mary-Kate first. A beat passes.

JENNIFER
(spits cake onto plate)
Where?

Mary-Kate reaches across the table to smack Jennifer.

MARY-KATE
(appalled)
That's not what you say when your
best friend informs you she's been
devirginized-

ELEANOR
(matter of factly)
I wasn't a virgin.

Mary-Kate and Jennifer continue what they're doing for a split
second, then slowly turn to look at Eleanor, Mary-Kate first.
A beat passes.

MARY-KATE
What the hell?

Eleanor pushes her salad around her plate with her fork,
apparently uninterested.

MARY-KATE
Ellie.

Another beat passes.

MARY-KATE
(frustrated)
Is there anything else you're not
telling us? You a cheap hooker on
the side, too?

Jennifer gapes at the word 'us'. Eleanor looks up for a
moment, only to return her eyes to the uneaten food.

ELEANOR
Is there anything else to say?

MARY-KATE
Yes.

ELEANOR
Like?

Silence.

JENNIFER
Where?

Mary-Kate goes to smack Jennifer again, but, having learned,
Jennifer dodges the blow appropriately. Mary-Kate rights
herself before continuing.

MARY-KATE
Plenty! Who? What? When? How?
(pauses)
Where?

JENNIFER
(at the same time as
Mary-Kate)
Where?

Heh heh. Here's a long one for those of you who like handsome bad-boys.

EXT. THE FAR, FARAWAY SKY OVER GREATER HEAVEN CANYON (SOURCE OF THE BOOM)

Ribbons of unearthly black-violet jet out through the sky, around a great dark GATEWAY. In the center of the GATEWAY hovers a GRAND INCUBUS, his wings drawn. One wing unfolds.

GRAND INCUBUS
So I see I am close to Nemesis' weakest body.
(Unfolds his wings and drifts on the thermal.)

The GRAND INCUBUS' clove-dark body is laced with long, thorny crimson stems that radiate from a bloom of midnight black rooted in his sternum. A petal breaks loose and drifts away through the air, carried on the wind.

The GATEWAY closes, and the black-violet darkness raggedly dissipates.

League-long ROPES OF WINGS fly by. Riding atop them are AMORPHOUS BALLS OF WINGS AND EYES, glowing white. The sleek carnation-pink ROPES undulate as they fly.

GRAND INCUBUS
(Snorts in disdain and scratches behind his heavy curved horns.)
Angels. This must be the host of migratory ophanim and orophim.

The rear ROPE, an OROPH, brushes the GRAND INCUBUS with her tail wings as she passes. The OPHAN atop her back swivels her scores of eyes rearward to stare at him.

OPHAN
Neptune! The Lord of Demons! Fly! Fly! Flee!

The ANGELS unsteadily fly away. NEPTUNE follows them, picking up speed, until they suddenly veer away.

NEPTUNE
Why the devil are they running?

OPHANIM
(Scream as one)
Battle! Battle! Advance!

NEPTUNE
(Scoffs)
Battle? I see no battle.

SHRIEKS OF BUZZING METAL grate in the air. NEPTUNE'S pointed ears lift.

NEPTUNE
(Tosses his mane of lengthy golden curls)
So there is a battle after all...it must be Nemesis.
(Hisses. The stems of thorny red around his body surround him in hand-length crimson spikes.)
NEMESIS! I'm going to kill you and every one of your dung-eating lackeys!

NEPTUNE advances through the air. OPHANIM and OROPHIM scream.

Before NEPTUNE, a battle is unfolding. Black-rusty balls of blades, DEMONIC OPHANIM, slice through the masses of ANGELS. Some of the OROPHIM are blood-red, controlled by DEMONIC OPHANIM. HEAVENLY OPHANIM beat the DEMONIC OPHANIM away in droves, only to lose two more OROPHIM to DEMONIC CONTROL.

NEPTUNE scans the battle. A DYING OROPH lies in a sinuous pile on the ground, most of her wings truncated. She moans and flaps weakly with her remaining wings.

NEPTUNE
Lilith. Answer me. What do I do?

LILITH'S V.O.
Neptune, do not forget your influence. You can destroy Nemesis' servants with your power faster if you have a servant of your own.

NEPTUNE folds his wings inward, plummeting through the sky to the DYING OROPH.

NEPTUNE lands on the OROPH'S back. She moans plaintively.

NEPTUNE
Don't you fear. We're going to scorch this scum from Gaea.

NEPTUNE rips a spike from his arm and tears into his bicep. Inky blood flows out onto the OROPH, into the wound on her back that reveals the cords of her brain.

The OROPH screams. Bones and claws erupt from her sides. STICKY FILAMENT forms membranes between the claws, forming DEMONIC WINGS. The remaining FEATHERED WINGS deteriorate to the bone frame, and more STICKY FILAMENT replaces the feathers. Her body loses its feathers, and BLACK SCALES grow in their place. She rises.

NEPTUNE
(Grins maliciously)
I see a blood-pact may be formed with one of God's host after all. I owe Hild a coffer of quid.

DEMON-PACTED OROPH
(Clicks in a perverse imitation of purring.)

NEPTUNE
I shall name you Stryper. Come, my demon. To the battle!

STRYPER lifts aloft and soars upward.

NEPTUNE
(Commands)
Higher! We will devour the perversions of Nemesis!

STRYPER and NEPTUNE rise. Camera focuses on the DEMON-PACTED OROPH'S belly. A SHIP-SIZED LAMPREY MOUTH gnashes its teeth from the center of her belly, and SLICK RED EYES shine eerily out around it. The center RING OF EYES opens, and BURNING LIGHT melts the sand.

NEPTUNE
Now! Devour! Engulf!

STRYPER opens her LAMPREY MOUTH. The air sucks inward in a scirocco. DEMONIC OPHANIM are pulled into the mouth, shrieking. METAL CRUMBLES are heard. HEAVENLY OPHANIM mount the freed OROPHIM and cling to their long feathers, sticking themselves to the OROPHIM.

REMAINING DEMONIC OPHANIM
(Flying away)
Noooo! We serve Nemesis! We will not be killed by a neophyte demon!

The REMAINING DEMONIC OPHANIM gather together, their blades DISASSEMBLING. SQUEALS OF METAL shriek through the air. NEPTUNE watches them until A MASSIVE SHADOW rises over him, clanking and screeching.

NEPTUNE
(Looking up with a cynically raised brow)
Rather of a bother, that.
(Shrugs and laughs, rolling his eyes.)
Lucifer owes me fifty Palladium leagues.

STRYPER
(Moans discordantly.)

The DEMONIC OPHANIM have assembled together into a GIANT MACHINE. The MACHINE belches smoke and fire and advances to the ANGELS, opening TURBINES. The TURBINES suck weaker ANGELS into their ducts, and FIRE AND ASH stream out. The MACHINE grows larger.

NEPTUNE
(Thinking)
It feeds on angel blood.
(Orders the angels)
Back to the rear! I will dispatch this menace!

The remaining ANGELS retreat, and NEPTUNE and STRYPER advance to the MACHINE.

NEPTUNE
(Whispers)
Stryper, fly me over.

STRYPER
(Clicks like scuttling insect legs and rises)

The MACHINE'S STACK belches out RANCID SMOKE. As STRYPER rises over the MACHINE, the RANCID SMOKE rises too.

NEPTUNE
Stryper! Loose your sight upon this perversion of metal!

STRYPER'S CENTER EYES open. BLINDING LIGHT lances through the air and onto the MACHINE in a concentrated wave, eating a JAGGED HOLE in the metal.

NEPTUNE
Stryper, lead the angels to safety. I'm going on ahead.

NEPTUNE leaps from STRYPER'S back and onto the MACHINE. The RANCID SMOKE, dregs of NEMESIS, beats his body with MALIGNANT FUMES. NEPTUNE'S wings and horns disappear, the crimson spikes recede, and he stands naked on the MACHINE.

NEPTUNE
(Winks to the camera and purrs,)
Naked, but not vulnerable by any means.

NEPTUNE
Let's get it started, motherfucker.
(Dives into the melting hole in the machine's hull.)

hahaha this is funny! why'd you cut it off, I wanted to read more!

Ooo! I want to share part of my script so far! This is a conversation between Elijah and his first mate Samson!

*********

SAMSON
I take it that it didn't go so well.

ELIJAH
That is by far, an understatement.

SAMSON
Keep trying.

ELIJAH
(Turning to face Samson)
Keep trying? Are you crazy? She wants nothing to do with me. She won't talk to me. She won't do anything but sit and mope and wonder if we are any closer to getting her home.

SAMSON
She is just not ready to talk yet.

ELIJAH
Yet? She said she wanted nothing to do with me.

SAMSON
She is just frustrated.

ELIJAH
Look. She just wants to get to port and then leave and have nothing to do with us. She thinks we're the enemy.

SAMSON
Wouldn't you?

ELIJAH
What do you meam?

SAMSON
Wouldn't you think that we're enemies if you were in her position?

ELIJAH
I don't think so... Why?

SAMSON
Think about it. You are British, correct?

ELIJAH
Yes, why?

SAMSON
She is Spanish, yes?

ELIJAH
Yes... I don't follow.

SAMSON
By your King's orders, you are required to attack any of her countries ships. You are required to to take them down. You are attacking her country. Why wouldn't she dislike you?

ELIJAH
(Runs his hands through his hair)
So you mean, that just that fact that I'm British makes her hate me? Great. How do I break through that?

SAMSON
You're the captain. You'll think of something.

YAY! My excerpt is a bit on the long side, but this is my favorite part...

EXT. Backstreets - AFTERNOON

MIA lands at a dead-end alley. She redoes her cloak, checks her bag, then starts walking briskly down the alley. She looks around as she winds through the continuous street she landed on. As she turns into a corner, she walks head-first into LIAM, a boy Mia's age with ratty clothes. They both fall.

MIA
What the-!

LIAM
Run!

LIAM stands up. He goes to MIA and pulls her up.

MIA
What?

LIAM
Run! I'll explain later.

LIAM starts running the way Mia came from. MIA follows. A few dozen yards later LIAM pulls MIA into a doorway.

LIAM
(breathing heavily)
I pissed off some gang a couple of days ago. They found me fifteen minutes ago and I don't want to know what happens when they catch up with me.

MIA
I've known you a minute and I know you're an idiot. What'd you do?

LIAM
How am I supposed to know?! Gangs go off like bombs! What do we do now?

MIA
Run like hell. Try and shake them off. Run some more.

MIA pauses for a moment.

MIA
Wait. We? When did I get involved?

LIAM
When you decided to run with me. You go back out there and they find you and you can kiss any hopes of ever looking the same again goodbye.

MIA
I'd slap you but that'd only waste more time. C'mon!

MIA drags LIAM out from the doorway and down the street. Behind them a half-dozen GANG MEMBERS are taking their time.

GANG MEMBER #1
Don't think you can get away. We know this town inside and out.

GANG MEMBER #2
Oh, you got a girlfriend now, eh blondie? Hope she isn't too attached to her face, 'cause it's 'bout to get rearranged along with yours.

Some of the GANG MEMBERS make CATCALLS. MIA and LIAM continue to run, but stop when they reach the dead-end MIA landed in.

MIA
Oh...no.

They turn around to face the GANG MEMBERS.

MIA
Idiot? Do you trust me?

LIAM
If you've got an escape plan, then yes.

MIA
Give me a hug.

LIAM
What? Is this really the time to-

MIA
(interrupting)
Hug me. Now.

MIA unfastens her cloak and tucks it in her bag. Her wings are still hidden behind her back. LIAM awkwardly hugs her. He makes a funny face when his hands touch her wings.

GANG MEMBER #3
Oh, now they're trying to spend their last moments of of being in one piece together. I think I'm gonna puke.

MIA
(so that only LIAM can hear)
Hold on tight.

MIA throws her arms around LIAM as she spreads her wings. There are SHOUTS of shock and awe from the GANG MEMBERS as she flaps her wings and takes off. She struggles but still gets away.

EXT. SKY

MIA flies unevenly towards the edge of town. LIAM has a look of pure terror on his face.

LIAM
Did I die already? Are you an angel?

MIA
Well you're taking better than I thought you would, so that's a plus.

LIAM
So I'm not dead?

MIA
Do you want me to drop you so you can really be dead?

LIAM
I'm good here, thanks.

MIA
I thought so.

-----

The line "I've known you a minute and I know you're an idiot," is my favorite line in the whole thing so far. :-)

Ooh, very nice everyone. Let me try mine.

EXT. PARK - SAME AFTERNOON

JACKI scowls and settles in a bench. She mutters to herself and doesn’t look at ZACHARY, who has returned with two ice cream cones.

ZACHARY
Oh, nice. Still sulking?

JACKI
I do not sulk!

ZACHARY
Then what are you doing now? If
it looks like a duck, sounds like
a duck, and acts like a duck,it’s
a duck. Or, something like that.

JACKI
Shut up, will you?

At this, Zachary frowns and shoves one of the ice creams in her face. He literally shoves it in her face, so now she has ice cream all over her.

JACKI (CONT’D)
What the hell was that for?

ZACHARY
You were being mopey.

JACKI
So? You shoved the ice cream in
my face! It’s practically
steaming out here! It will melt
in five minutes and I do not want
goop all over my clothes!

ZACHARY
(shrugging)
Oops.

Jacki tries to wipe the ice cream off and stands up. However, a hand stops her. She spins around and sees CASSIDY standing there.

CASSIDY
Vanilla isn’t your flavor. I’ll
get you another one. My treat.

Jacki pauses for a while.

CASSIDY (CONT’D)
Come on, you know you can’t
resist pistaschio.

JACKI
All right. Thanks. And... sorry.

CASSIDY
It was my fault. Don’t worry
about it. I messed up big time.

The CAMERA clicks here. Everything blurs and melts away.

JACKI (V.O.)
You know, I noticed one thing at
that moment. She admitted that
she made a mistake. But she
didn’t apologize. She never said
sorry.

Oops, double post.

NEPTUNE stands before the NEMESISEAN WYGHT. The WYGHT is dissipating away. NEPTUNE, for his part, has a grave slice in his sleekly rippled abdomen, cuts to the bone in his thighs, and his forehead is blistered with burns.

NEMESIS' V.O.
YOU'RE A BASTARD, NEPTUNE. I WILL RETURN TO DISPATCH YOU ... AND YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH FOR EVERYONE YOU LOVE.

NEPTUNE
(Laughs deprecatingly.)
I'm quite sure you'll have no trouble finding yourself the nearest chamber pot to piss in. With anything else, though, I think you'll be sorely impeded.

NEMESIS' V.O.
(Unruffled)
WELL, WELL. WHAT A MOUTH WE HAVE. I MUST RETRACT MY EARLIER STATEMENT, HOWEVER, AS I BELIEVE I COMMITTED A FAUX PAS---YOU CLEARLY LOVE ONLY YOURSELF.

NEPTUNE
(Kicks the Wyght's dissolving form)
You know, I've changed my mind about the chamber pot.

NEMESIS' V.O.
I WILL RETURN, LITTLE ANT. AND I WILL CRUSH YOUR BLACK CARAPACE AS EASILY AS LOWERING MY FOOT.

NEPTUNE
(Rolls his eyes)
Racism, from a ball of soulless, bodiless darkness with one eye.
(Chortles)
I think you have more to worry about, you pox-boiled rat testicle.

NEPTUNE spies a glowing white STONE OF SOLUTION in the MACHINE'S MAIN GEAR.

NEPTUNE
Now what about if I take that, hmm?

NEMESIS' V.O.
DON'T YOU DARE! THAT'S MINE!

NEPTUNE darts over and snatches up the STONE OF SOLUTION, replacing it with a BLOSSOM plucked from his chest. The GEARS begin to OVERHEAT.

NEMESIS' V.O.
NO! NO! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHIIII---

NEPTUNE smashes himself through the rusted wall of the MACHINE, plummeting through the air. The MACHINE EXPLODES with an ENORMOUS SERIES OF LOUD FLAMING BOOMS.

NEPTUNE
(As his wings burst from his shoulders and carry him away on the desert thermal)
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

-Just to clarify: Warren is Small Fry's (Tallis) uncle. She's almost 6.

Warren looks over at Small Fry.

WARREN (CON'T)
What are you smiling for?

Small Fry points down at Aneira. It takes a moment for Warren to grasp her meaning. He shakes his head.

WARREN (CON'T)
No! Not going to happen.

With a frown, Small Fry stamps her foot.

SMALL FRY
You have to!

WARREN
She's not real.

Grabbing a pin, Warren pushes his wheeled stool over beside Aneira. Small Fry watches him intently. He picks up Aneira's hand and pushes the pin into it.

Ren holds up Aneira's hand.

WARREN (CON'T)
See?

Small Fry gasps, distraught.

SMALL FRY
You made her bleed!

Warren turns Aneira's hand toward him and sees a bright red streak of blood where he poked her with the pin. His mouth falls open and he drops her hand, pushing backwards.

Small Fry sits down and cradles Aneira's hand. She starts to cry.

WARREN
Oh, don't cry, please don't cry.

SMALL FRY
You hurt her.

Getting up, Warren manages to locate a box of tissue. He wipes the blood off Aneira's hand, and give Small Fry one to wipe her face.

WARREN
I never thought...she can't be real.

Reaching up and making a fist, Small Fry punches Ren in the stomach.

SMALL FRY
Don't say that! She is real!

Staggering back a step, Warren winces.

WARREN
Did you have to hit me?

SMALL FRY
You have to kiss her so she can wake up.

WARREN
Tallis, there is no way -

Small Fry's lips begin to tremble and her eyes fill with tears.

With a sigh Ren takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. He looks up at the ceiling.

WARREN (CON'T)
Please don't cry.

He looks back down at Small Fry. She points down toward Aneira's mouth.

WARREN (CON'T)
I really have to?

Small Fry nods her head. Warren walks over and grabs Small Fry under the shoulders and puts her down on the floor. He sits down beside Aneria.

After a few moments preparation, he is able to bring himself to press his lips against hers for a scant two seconds before sitting back up.

Small Fry makes a disgusted noise and face.

SMALL FRY
That's not a kiss!

WARREN
And you're an expert?

She puts her hands on her hips.

SMALL FRY
That's not how my Daddy kisses my Mommy!

Warren looks back down at Aneira. He shakes his head.

WARREN
I can't believe I'm doing this...this is not a fairy tale!

SMALL FRY
No!

Small Fry hovers on the edge of another meltdown. Willing to do anything to keep her from crying, Warren leans down and plants a much more acceptable kiss on Aneria's lips.

INT. SINCLAIR'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Sinclair sits on the edge of her bed and removes her shoes.
A woman BOLTS UP from beneath the covers and screams.
Sinclair jumps up and turns to her roommate, Chloe.

SINCLAIR
What are you doing in my bed?

Clueless Chloe is a natural brunette but died her hair blond
to get in good with campus cliques; she is currently
suspended for a semester after a streaking incident.

CHLOE
This isn't my bed?

SINCLAIR
This isn't even your room.

Chloe pulls an empty liquor bottle from
under the sheets. She tosses it on the floor.

SINCLAIR
(sits on bed)
Are you drunk again?

CHLOE
Let me check.

Chloe's eyes search the room before they
go criss-cross and she falls off the bed.

warning: if you like rap or screamo music, don't read it. my characters bash it. (as much as i don't condone on their bashing in screamo, alas, it had to be done)
oh. and no seventh graders allowed either (except me. but i'm special). they kind of pick on seventh graders too. XD

MELODY
Okay, okay, I get it! You two both listen to music that nobody else in the world has ever even heard of before! You can stop now!

MEREDITH
You know what? I’d think you’d be a little more open to conversations about music, considering your name is MELODY.

MELODY
Yeah, I like music, not a bunch of people screaming out their sorrows to a bunch of random guitar rhythms.

MEREDITH
Well, at least it’s better than a bunch of drugged up idiots singing songs about sex.

MELODY
Well, at least I’m not emo!

MEREDITH
(LAUGHS) Nice comeback; did you think that up on your own or did your genius best friend come up with it?

ANNA and MELODY stare at each other, then look back at MEREDITH.

MEREDITH
Yeah, if you want to get into a real argument, you’re going to have to come up with something other than a lame seventh-grade emo crack. It gets old after a while.