Scene 9

Fade up on STEVE and CHUCK at the zoo. They are standing near a cage marked "monkeys". CHUCK is eating cotton candy. STEVE leans against the railing near the cage.

STEVE

Dude...

CHUCK

What?

STEVE

What are we doing here? We should be getting out of the country right now! Or at least the state.

CHUCK

I like the zoo.

STEVE

(cranky)

Great.

CHUCK

(shrugging it off)

Hey this is as good a place as any to hide out.

STEVE

(sighs)

Yeah, I guess so.

CHUCK's phone rings.

CHUCK

Just a second.

CHUCK turns away to answer. While CHUCK is on the phone monkey hands come out of the cage and grab STEVE by the clothes and around the neck. He makes chocking noises which CHUCK doesn't notice. Finally STEVE fights his way loose and jumps back from the cage, panting.

CHUCK

(hanging up)

Sorry.

(notices STEVE's hard breathing and messed up clothes)

What's wrong with you?

STEVE

(looks warily at the monkey cage)

Uh... nothing. Do you think we could go look at another animal or something?

CHUCK

(pulls a zoo brochure/map from his back pocket)

Let's see... There's a seal show at two. Ooo! They have a Resplendent Quetzal at the exotic bird exhibit!

(absentmindedly)

Did you know the Quetzal's tail feathers can grow up to fourty inches?

STEVE

Facinating. Whatever, you lead the way.

CHUCK

Also they nest inside a tree. They have to poke a hole in the tree trunk to make room.

STEVE

Great. Let's go.

STEVE and CHUCK start to walk away. STEVE stops suddenly and grabs CHUCKs arm.

STEVE

(hushed tone)

Hang on! Someone's coming! Quick act retarded.

CHUCK

Special.

STEVE

Special. Whatever.

A man enters SL, walking by slowly. STEVE and CHUCK look at the man in awkward silence.

CHUCK

(retarded voice)

I like monkeys!

The man smiles at CHUCK and exits SR, taking a long time to cross.

CHUCK

(touched)

Wow. He just smiled at me, like...like a real person.

STEVE

Who did?

CHUCK

That guy!

STEVE

He smiled at you? Like, how? A creepy smile?

CHUCK

No, not a creepy smile, a REAL smile!

STEVE

(looks back towards where the man exited)

A real smile? Are you sure?

CHUCK

Yeah! He just smiled like a normal person with a...with a SOUL and everything!

STEVE

A SOUL? Oh my god, the world is ending...or he has a crush on you.

CHUCK

What's the difference?

STEVE

Funny.

CHUCK

I don't know. People are usually wierd around retarded guys. Like they have a disease or something.

STEVE

Special

CHUCK

Whatever. Anyway it's sick!

STEVE

Who?

chuck

Special people.

STEVE

They're sick?

CHUCK

No they're not sick. That's the point.

STEVE

You just said it was sick...

CHUCK

It is!

STEVE

Never mind.

CHUCK

(finishes his cotton candy and trows it away in a nearby trashcan)

Anyway it was nice of him. Even when I'm not pretending to be retarded-

steve

(interupts)

Special.

CHUCK

Special... Even when I'm not special I feel naked and exposed in public.

STEVE

Some people like that.

CHUCK

Now who's sick.

STEVE

Whatevs. Hey let me use your phone real fast.

Chuck hands STEVE the phone. STEVE dials and puts it to his ear.

CHUCK

Are you calling your mom?

STEVE

No. I'm texting her with my face!

CHUCK

What crawled up your ass and died?

STEVE

A monkey!

CHUCK

What?

STEVE

(into phone)

Mom! It's Steve. Where are you?

(pause)

We're at the...

(sighs)

zoo.

(pause)

No. We... It's a long story. Look, how soon do you think you can pick us up?

(pause)

What? I don't think...

(pause)

You want to what? Why?

(pause)

Okay! Okay! Hold on.

STEVE holds the phone out to CHUCK.

STEVE

(grumbles)

Here.

CHUCK

What?

STEVE

(grudgingly)

She wants to talk to you.

CHUCK

(cheerfully)

Oh!

CHUCK takes the phone from STEVE. Halfway through the phone conversation monkey hands reach out of the cage again. STEVE dodges them this time, jumping crazily out of the way. He makes faces and obsene gestures at the "monkey".

CHUCK

Hello?

(pause)

Candice! How are you?

(pause)

I'm fine. We're having a wonderful time! Did you know they had a Resplendent Quetzal?

(long pause)

I know! And they nest inside a tree. They have to poke a hole in the tree trunk to make room.

(pause, laughs)

You are so funny!

(to STEVE)

You're mom is so funny!

(into phone)

Well listen, if you want to...

(pause)

Oh no! No hurry! Like I said we're having a blast!

(pause, laughs)

You are such a doll! You take care now. Uh huh. Bye!

(hangs up. To STEVE)

Your mom is so nice!

STEVE

(dryly)

Ya she's mother Theresa. So is she coming here or what?

CHUCK

She said something about grabbing lunch before she heads to the bank and then-

STEVE

(interupts)

Lunch!? Dude! How long are we supposed to hang around here!?

CHUCK

Oh, chillax! There's craploads to do here and no one will be looking for us. I hate to say it, but the retarded thing was a really good idea. No one even looks at retarded people. Well... except for that guy. But he's the exception.

STEVE

Yeah. I guess so.

(does a double take)

Wait. Did you just say "chillax"?

CHUCK

(cheerfully)

God! It is such a beautiful day! Isn't it a beautiful day?

STEVE

(dryly)

Lovely. Didn't you want to go see that Expectant Pretzel?

CHUCK

Resplendent Quetzal.

STEVE

Whatever. I just don't want to hang around these monkeys anymore.

CHUCK

We've got time.

STEVE

It's just that the monkeys-

CHUCK

You know? You were right all along. Everything is going to be fine. In fact it's going to be great! In two days time we'll be sipping mai tais on the beach. Finally! Something is going my way!

STEVE

My dream about the beach and the mai tais didn't really include my mom, dude.

CHUCK

Oh, pshaw! Candice is lovely! Anyway, it's her money so what can you do?
......
What do I put next?? Eeeeek! (You'll notice a few adopt-a-quotes in there tee hee!