Ext. Castle Ravenlost, night

Lightning flashes; thunder booms; and a heavy rain pours down. We hear emanating from the castle Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" blanching from an organ. The view zooms slowly in.

Int. Castle Ravenlost, night

We see COUNT VICTOR STRAHDAVARIUS, BARON VON MUCHENCHEKOVANKHASTROVICH THE THIRD playing the organ. (We'll call him STRAHDAVARIUS for short.) He wears elegant attire with a jeweled pendant and a long, flowing cape, rising up to the sides of his head, with a very stereotypical vampire widow's peak and pointed fangs. He looks more noble than, say, "The Count" from "Sesame Street," perhaps more akin to "Count Chocula." Strahdavarius playing as "a so-and-so production" and "a such and such film" float as intro credits. Then, Strahdavarius stops and looks at the fourth wall, making an aside.

STRAHDAVARIUS
I am the ancient. I have lived for over a thousand years, residing within my Dominion of Bravadovia, studying the arts of necromancy and the secrets of eternity for a millennium. Maybe I should have learned at some point during all that time to play something else. Maybe the theme to "Gilligan's Island"?

A door bursts open, and a party of adventurers rush in. We see jumping in and posing one at a time CLAUDE VON WOLFE, ELSWICK, BRAN, and DAO THE WIZARD. Claude and Bran look virtually identical, both warriors in armor, carrying an absurd number of weapons, with additional swords and daggers falling off of their back from backpacks that are essentially hidden from view because of all the armaments. Elswick is an elf dressed in black for stealth, and Dao is a human wizard wearing robes.

STRAHDAVARIUS
Who dares disturb me in my own castle?!?

CLAUDE
It is I, Claude von...

BRAN (at the same time)
Bran, Ranger of the...

DAO (at the same time)
Dao the Wiz...

ELSWICK (at the same time)
Elswick, from the forests of...

The four stop talking as they realize they are trying to talk over each other. They each re-start their introductions at the same time and then stop. They look at each other, and Strahdavarius looks at them.

STRAHDAVARIUS
OK, one at a time. Tell me who you are, and say something about yourself.

CLAUDE
I am Claude von Wolfe, Barbarian of the North. I am Armor Class negative two, and I have 87 hit points.

BRAN
I am Bran, the Ranger. I am proficient in lots of weapons, but my favorite is still the longsword.

ELSWICK
My name's Elswick, and I'm secretly a Ninja. Dang! Well, now you know.

DAO
I am Dao the Wizard.

Dao points over to one side, and we see an arrow appearing, pointing off-screen.

DAO
And that's Wynn, the Monk, but he gets killed off too quickly to worry about.

CLAUDE
We're a band of adventurers here to end your reign of terror once and for all!

Claude and Bran charge forward, attacking, with Elswick and Dao following behind them. Several sword swipes pass, and then Strahdavarius attacks back with a forceful punch. Elswick swings around and makes his attack. Then, the view pans over to Dao, gesturing.

DAO
Hold on, I'm casting "Dwafmor's Scintillating Missile." I'm rolling to see the effect. Hang on... I dropped the dice on the floor.