Writer Profile: matt_fishwick

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Page Count
116 pages
Age 25
Location Wigan or Bromsgrove UK
Favorite films/plays

Films:
Planes, Trains & Automobiles; This Is Spinal Tap; Fargo; Raising Arizona; Being John Malkovich; The Jerk; The Man With Two Brains; Airplane; Groundhog Day; Magnolia; The Producers (1968); Rushmore; The Wedding Singer; Office Space; Swingers; Go; Grosse Pointe Blank; The Royal Tenenbaums; Bottle Rocket; & many more

TV:
Futurama; 30 Rock; The Simpsons; Strangers With Candy; Saturday Night Live; Newsradio; The Kids In The Hall; Greg The Bunny; The West Wing; Seinfeld; Curb Your Enthusiasm; Clone High; Upright Citizens Brigade; SCTV; Arrested Development; The League Of Gentlemen; The Office (US version); Whose Line Is It Anyway? (UK version); The Micallef P(r)ogram(me);

Plays:
Avenue Q; Spamalot.

Other interests

Trying to finish my nano novel.

Script title Uncle Ed's All Night Vampire Barbershop
Script type Screenplay
Script genre Comedy
My script is Apocalypse Now meets The Care Bears
Logline We SUCK!
An Excerpt from Uncle Ed's All Night Vampire Barbershop

EXT. CHILDREN'S PLAY AREA - NIGHT
Liam stands atop the jungle gym, a crowd gathered before him. They're all dressed in black.

LIAM
There are a number of things you should know about me. Item number one - I don't trust anybody. Number two - I have a crappy short term memory on account of the radiation and item number one - I don't trust anybody. (beat) Now, You got any questions?

The crowd chatter amongst themselves before a leader steps forward, silencing them with a wave
of his hand.

CROWD LEADER
I don't think so. Could we just get on with it. Some of us want to get back home before dawn.

LIAM
So you think you'll be able to now that they know you're involved?

CROWD LEADER
I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
One of the crowd sneaks a look at Liam's clipboard.

SNEAKY CROWD MEMBER
(mouthing the answer) 78 per cent.

The crowd leader nods.

CROWD LEADER
Is it 78 per cent?

LIAM
No. The precise odds of Operation Certain Doom are 78 per cent against.

CROWD LEADER
Operation Certain Doom?

Liam checks the clipboard for notes.

LIAM
Oh Crap. It isn't Operation Certain Doom, its Operation Clever Dolly

This obvious lie ignites discussion within the crowd.
Ed remains sits quietly on the roundabout taking it all in.
CROWD MEMBER #1
Do you buy that?

CROWD MEMBER #2
I wouldn't if it was expensive. (beat) If it was free it would still be a toss up. (beat) On third thought, no.

CROWD MEMBER #1
Neither would I.

CROWD MEMBER #2
Then its agreed then.

CROWD MEMBER #1
I never said it wasn't.

CROWD MEMBER #2
And to think I thought this was the monthly Boggle meeting.

CROWD LEADER
(to Liam) I thought that this was Operation Care Bear?

LIAM
(shakes his head) No last minute change of plans. They found out about that one.

CROWD LEADER
Then why the hell did I get a tatoo on my stomach.

LIAM
Because, like smoking, they make you look cool.

The Crowd Leader lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a Care Bear playing Russian Roullette

CROWD MEMBER #1
You're lucky.

Crowd Member #1 lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of himself stealing a care Bear from a 4 Year Old.

There's audible applause from some of the crowd, while other look embarrassed and not in any hurry to show off their own tattoos.

Crowd Member #2 lifts his shirt to check if he has indeed got a tattoo. He hasn't, but he doesn't seem all that concerned. He looks like he's about to say something when:

A RINGING phone pierces the night. A hush falls over the crowd.
LIAM
Alright, who forgot to turn their mobile off before the meeting.

CROWD LEADER
It seems to be coming from your pants.
Liam reaches in and scoops out the mobile phone. He checks the display. It could be time.

LIAM
(into the phone) Bring me sunshine in your smile.
He listens.

LIAM
This soup tastes like Christmas

Liam's identity confirmed, Liam listens as a message is relayed to him.

Ed pushes his way to the front of the crowd.

ED
Scuse me. (beat) Pardon me.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Hi Ed.

Ed's confused. He's never seen this person before in his life.

ED
Hey, great to see you, um guy. Thanks for coming out tonight.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Not a problem.

Ed pushes on and after weaving through a few more people stands at the front of the crowd.

Liam closes the phone and pockets it.

ED
Who was that?

LIAM
Smitty. He's taped the Neighbours omnibus.

ED
Well, I missed Wednesday's episode. (Gets back on track) Hang on what the hell does that mean?

LIAM
Its code

ED
Code for what?

Liam pats himself down. He's obviously looking for something that he can't find.

ED (cont)
What are you looking for?

LIAM
It. (He thinks as he gestures with his arms) Oh you know (beat) That thing with all the words in it.

ED
A book?

LIAM
Yeah. That's it. (continues to pat himself down) Now where did I put it?

Ed shrugs. He takes a look at the assembled crowd. They don't know either.

LIAM
Its in the briefcase, pass it here will you.

Now Ed pats himself down.

ED
Might be a slight, well um (laughs) you're going to think this is funny, problem there.

LIAM
(suprisingly calm) Tell me you've got the case?

The CROWD moves closer to watch the both of them.
Ed smiles a pathetic smiles that seems to say "Oops".

LIAM (cont)
Shit.

INT. BARBERSHOP BACKROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The briefcase lays under the desk exactly where Liam kicked it in the rush to escape.

ED (VO)
I'm sure that it'll be fine.

A hand in surgeons gloves reaches into frame and touches at the handle. The case is pulled into the centre of the room.

LIAM (VO)
I doubt it.

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