I wrote this in my diary and you might find it funny. Comments and improvements welcome. I don't think I'll do this one for Script Frenzy.

I had a little time to walk around the Century City district of Cape Town, where I'd been staying.There's a shopping arcade called Canal Walk, which is very big but doesn't really sell anything: it's almost wholly populated by multiples. Of those, more than half seem to sell dresses and many of the rest sell fast food. I liked one small shop which sells pretty cheongsams in red satin fabric.

Goodbye, Mr Fish

I walked along the Canal and I discovered that Century City has a Fish Eradication Programme. I immediately recalled the Leaf Eradication Programme in the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and there are some similarities.

Years ago, when I was an undergraduate in Newcastle University, a student in the year above mine got very drunk one night and poured a container of detergent into the fountain at the Civic Centre. I don't know why he did it. Maybe he wanted to see the fountain blowing bubbles, or maybe he wanted to do his washing-up in the fountain water. Whatever may have been going through his mind, the effect was to kill all the fish in the pond there. A policeman saw him doing it. In the magistrate's court a day or two afterwards, he (the student, not the policeman) had to come up with some account of whatever demon drove him to commit mass ichthyocide . I can't really say I ever wondered what happened to him, but I believe I have now found out.

The elegant waterways in Century City, which are not ornamental in origin but were used at one time for transport, have become home to shoals of Alien Carp. The local fish are getting fed up with the aliens carping, not to mention eating their pondweed, poaching their eggs, colonising their nesting sites (or whatever fish lay their eggs in) and blowing bubbles at each other in alien languages. The Fischvolk are crying out for Fischlebensraum. They have persuaded my former fellow student, or someone uncannily like him, to lead the Giftwaffe. He will convey all the natives to places of safety and then pour some noxious chemical into the water. Posters along the canal path reassure walkers that if the Endlösung, Sonderbehandlung und Fischvernichtung leaves behind any unpleasant odours, they will dissipate over a period of a few days, and after that the native fish will be released. The native fish will then swim back with their heads held high and take possession of the ghetto areas where formerly the hated Alien Carp had dwelt. The posters reassure me that local conservation bodies all approve of wiping out the Alien Carp. This seems a curious thing for a conservation body to approve of, but who am I to doubt them? I think the aliens may yet have their revenge, though. My friend, and other residents of Century City, will discover how long it takes for the unpleasant odour given off by thousands of rotten dead Alien Carp to dissipate.

What a Load of Carp

If Pixar ever want to make a sequel to Finding Nemo, there must surely be adequate material here to make a part actor, part CGI animation, Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Fisch. Imagine that title on a poster in the old Fraktur script!

The Civic Centre sequence will appear at the beginning in a sinister black and white flashback, as in Murder on the Orient Express, beginning with the date and place — Newcastle upon Tyne in, I think, 1971 — and ending with a long insert of the two-line write-up of the court case in the Newcastle Evening Chonicle. Fade to Cape Town in March 2008. There is speciesist tension in the canal. The Fremdfischprobleme is exercising commentators and gives agitators their chance. One prominent agitator, known only as Der Fischführer, delivers an insane, rabble-rousing oration to a crowd of drunken native rednecks. His audience bursts onto the streets, smashes the Alien Carps' nests (or what-not) and beats many Alien Carp to death with steel bars. It is the point of no return — Fischstahlnacht. Leaders of the native fish plan the Fish Extermination Programme and, in a breach of the usual rule that military operations involving massacres are kept secret, they put up posters about it. Human residents of Century City know perfectly well what is going on because of the posters, but they turn a blind eye to it. The native fish find the criminal who appeared in the opening sequence. He is a man of evil and a willing collaborator. He leads the native fish while his glamorous moll infiltrates the local Conservation Societies, distracts them from their purpose and deceives them with propaganda. It falls to the Americans, led by Tom Cruise, to discover that the innocent-seeming Eradication Programme is in reality an ongoing in-canal wipe-out situation. After waiting four years before lifting a finger to help, they foil the Programme at the last minute. The native fish realise the error of their ways, they discover they really love Alien Carp after all, my old mate the Giftwaffe-Obergruppenführer dies horribly by falling into in a vat of boiling Zyklon B fish poison and drowning, and Tom Cruise has one too many and flies Air Force One full speed into the headquarters of the Church of Scientology. There is a spectacular explosion. Applause, fade, credits roll. In English, German and bubble noises, with subtitles.

Pixar, in order of importance, (a) please may I have 5% and (b) please cast Erica Campbell as the Führer's love interest.