INT. SWEED'S OFFICE - DAY
Mrs. Sweed sits menacingly behind her desk. Tom, who has a bit of facial fuzz, stands in the doorway. He stands there. Mrs. Sweed stares at the rock garden on her desk, menacingly raking sand. Tom stands there. She rakes sand menacingly.
TOM
...Hello, Mrs. Sweed.
Mrs. Sweed slowly raises her head and stares at him.
MRS. SWEED
Tom. Thomas. Thooomaaas.
TOM
Yes, you, ah, wanted to see me.
MRS. SWEED
Yes, won't you take a seat?
Tom sits in the very low child's chair in front of her desk. She stands.
MRS. SWEED
I've heard troubling reports about you, Thomas. Most troubling.
TOM
What? What do they say?
MRS. SWEED
That you've go against the great traditions of our school. The traditions that keep us morally stable and prevent our youth from slipping... into... BARBARISM! HEDONISM! VIOLENCE! EVIL WAYS! SEXUAL IMMORALITY!
TOM
What?!
Mrs. Sweed is becoming increasingly threatening, escalating into violent behavior.
MRS. SWEED
YES! WITH YOUR ACTIONS YOU BRING THE ENTIRE SCHOOL, NAY, THE ENTIRE WORLD ONE STEP CLOSER TO MORAL RUINATION!
TOM
I- I didn't do anything!
MRS. SWEED
You know what you did!!!
TOM
I didn't mean to! I- I'm sorry! Whatever I did, I won't do it again!
MRS. SWEED
Don't give me your sob stories! You flaunt your deviance! I know how to deal with the likes of you!
TOM
No! Please! I don't know what I've done! I don't even know what I've done!
MRS. SWEED
Yes you do! And I know exactly how to quell such depraved tendencies...
She storms behind her desk. Dramatic camera angles as she opens a drawer suggest something terrible will come out.
MRS. SWEED
Cut it off... at the root!!
She raises an electric razor high above her head.
TOM
Wait, what?
MRS. SWEED
Your facial hair. A symbol of moral perversion!
TOM
What, really, that's it? It's just a bit of fuzz. I forgot to shave this morning.
MRS. SWEED
There is no excuse! Good, nice young men do not have facial hair! Did our founding fathers have facial hair?!
TOM
Oh, come on!
MRS. SWEED
DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME!
She pounces on him and shaves his facial hair violently as he shouts protests.
MRS. SWEED
There. Now you are clean-shaven. Your face is morally acceptable.
TOM
Jesus... Christ... had facial hair.
The camera cuts back and forth between them. He stares at her defiantly. She twitches as she tries to come up with how to respond. The camera cuts behind him, she shrieks like some sort of vampire, pounces on him, and shaves his eye out as he screams bloody murder.
Cut to outside Mrs. Sweed's office. Mrs. Sweed shows Tom (who is in profile) out.
MRS. SWEED
Alright, here's a note for your teacher. On your way.
TOM
(mechanical with a hint of terror in his voice)
Yes ma'am, Mrs. Sweed.
He turns and walks away - we see he's wearing an eyepatch. Mrs. Sweed waves in a polite but sinister way and turns to survey the students walking past.
