STEFAN

Dorgh Bloodspiller, you find yourself in a dark room at the top of a tower. There is an eerie smell, as if it is filled with poisonous gases, and you can see absolutely nothing.

DAVID

I light the torch.

(DAVID rolls the dice)

STEFAN

When you do that, the air around you bursts into flames. Roll to see if your armor is on fire.

(DAVID rolls the dice again)

STEFAN

Yeah, you're on fire.

DAVID

Can't I just put it out?

STEFAN

Of course not, you don't have water with you. Roll for damage.

DAVID

Uh, do the other characters hear me scream and help out?

STEFAN

No. Since the other players decided to get us more snacks, their characters are unconscious right now, remember?

DAVID

Oh yeah. Those suckers are missing out on all the experience points.

(DAVID rolls the dice)

STEFAN

Dorgh Bloodspiller is now a pile of ashes on the floor thanks to the flammable poisonous fumes.

DAVID

No way! You have to be cheating, let me see the Dungeon Master's guide!

(DAVID tries to grab the book, but STEFAN protects it)

STEFAN

Only the Dungeon Master may read the holy guide book! You are but a pawn in my great scheme. Now start making a new character if you want to stay in the game.

DAVID

What about John's barbarian? She was in the next room, is she still alive?

STEFAN

Yes. I'm not going to kill off the only female character.

DAVID

But you're not supposed to kill any of us off on purpose, you're just supposed to set up the adventures. I think it literally says in the book that the Dungeon Master isn't supposed to act like a douche bag just because he thinks it's a stupid idea to have a half fairy half ogre character.

STEFAN

But objectively, it is a stupid idea! How would something that big mate with a fairy? It's preposterous! In my entire career as a Dungeon Master I have never seen a half fairy half ogre until you came along and just made it up. It's completely illogical, and doesn't fit with the reality of my world. Fairies don't mate with ogres, end of story.

DAVID

Uh... can we go back to where we were when the guys left to get snacks? I think I want to play as Alfgar Elfsbane or whatever his name was for a while instead.

STEFAN

No, you can't take another players character. Besides, Dorgh Bloodspiller and Marian the Busty Barbarian of the D Cup Armored Bra need to go through the Evil Dark Lord's Tower of Almost Certain Doom before we go back to the side plot.

DAVID

Can I just see the book already? (rolls the dice) I rolled a twenty, that means I got a critical hit and get to see it, right?

STEFAN

Game mechanics don't work in real life like that.

DAVID

Yeah they do, that's how I got my internet girlfriend. Now I think I get to see the book.

STEFAN

NO! I am the only Dungeon Master here and that is the way it shall forever be!

DAVID

You're being a douche, just let me see the book.

STEFAN

Absolutely not. You've got that orange cheesy stuff on your hands. I'm trying to keep this book in relatively mint condition. This is the copy signed by Gary Gygax, remember?

DAVID

I thought that was a cosplayer pretending to be Gary Gygax.

STEFAN

No, it was him, and you're not going to touch my book!

(Stefan clings to his precious, limited edition, signed-by-Gary-Gygax copy of the Dungeon Master's Guide and hold it under the table)

DAVID

In that case, I take over John's character and have the Busty Barbarian attack the Dungeon Master.

(DAVID rolls the dice).

STEFAN

The Dungeon Master isn't a character.

DAVID

In the cartoon he is!

STEFAN

Wait a minute, are you saying you based your concept of Dungeons and Dragons on the 80s cartoon series? You're a disgrace to all gamers! Come on, a unicorn named Uni? How original is that? And don't get me started on the Cavalier having a shield with no sword, how is he supposed to fight? Worst. Show. Ever. And I thought it was bad that you were playing as a half fairy half ogre!

DAVID

Well obviously you've watched that show too, Stefan, since you knew the name of the unicorn.

STEFAN

Call me Dungeon Master.

DAVID

Right, Dungeon Master.

STEFAN

Alright, let's get back to the game.

DAVID

I yell out, "Revenge shall be mine!"

STEFAN

No, your character is dead.

DAVID

It's undead now!

STEFAN

It says in the Dungeon Master's guide you can't do that.

DAVID

That's it! Show me where it says that now.

STEFAN

If you're dead you can't see my book. Anyways, there is now a stench of dead, burning ogre-fairy coming from the room... where the hell are the guys? This is going to get boring if we don't have some living characters soon.

DAVID

You could bring back my character from the dead. Or just agree that it never happened, since you're cheating and just killing him off since you didn't like my character concept! That's cheating!

STEFAN

No, it's not. It says right on this page that characters can die at any time at my discretion. Besides, this isn't the first time you've had a character die.

DAVID

But I spent three hours of my life creating that character! If you don't hand over the god damn book, I'm going to call your mom down here and tell her you're playing that Satanic game she hates!

STEFAN

Don't be such a pussy. Characters die all the time, where do you think zombies come from?

DAVID

But you won't let me be an undead ogre-fairy either!

STEFAN

You'd just get killed again if you were an undead ogre-fairy. It says so in the book.

DAVID

Then the hell with this, you can't kill me because... I quit!

STEFAN

Uh.... No. Can't do that. Says so on page 75. Why don't you just make a new character now? One that doesn't make me sick when I think about how it would have been conceived?

(DAVID picks up a bottle of mountain dew)

DAVID

That's it, give me the book or I'm going to dump Mountain Dew on your precious Dungeon Master's game notes! How do you like THAT plot twist? Better roll for your defense!

(STEFAN rolls the dice)

STEFAN

I block that move.

DAVID

But.... But.... You're just cheating over and over again!

(DAVID throws dice at STEFAN)

STEFAN

Stop! You can't throw dice at me if you're dead!

DAVID

I told you, I'm not dead because I quit before you could kill me!

STEFAN

No you didn't, you lit the stupid torch. Stop acting like a baby.

DAVID

Alright. I use my extra life to come back.

STEFAN

What are you, some kind of moron? This isn't a video game, this is real life! I mean... Table top gaming is more realistic!

(Awkward pause)

DAVID

You know, I'm going to go find a friend who doesn't live in his mom's basement. For the love of Christ, you're twenty eight years old!

STEFAN

Hey, I'm only living here until I graduate from college! Then I'll be able to get a job and split the rent on a place with you!

DAVID

You've been in college for ten years. This isn't finding yourself, this is just continued adolescence.

STEFAN

Looks who's talking. You still watch Saturday morning cartoons!

DAVID

You watch them with me!

STEFAN

Yes, but I'm also analyzing them on a level that only an aspiring character designer could understand. Can we get back to the game now? I have a spare character sheet here you can use. Look, it's a level 20 paladin! You could kick ass with this guy, it'll be great. Just look at this list of spells and attacks he's got.

DAVID

But I don't want to be a human character, I want to be an ogre fairy.

STEFAN

How can you not see that a level 20 paladin is better than a level 2 ogre-fairy? There's not even a good standard way to level up an ogre-fairy.

DAVID

I put my sweat and blood into making that character, even if he is only on level 2!

STEFAN

And I spent hours making these spare character sheets for situations like this, since everyone seems to be dying on the more difficult missions, and I don't want everyone to just die and leave the game.

DAVID

Well, I did die. And I don't care about your stupid spare characters; I'm going to go play Final Fantasy Online with my girlfriend.

STEFAN

So that's what it is, you're going to let a girl come between us. I see how it is. We've been friends since pre-school, and as soon as a girl is even somewhat interested in you, you ditch me to play a crappy online RPG with her. I'll bet she doesn't even live within driving distance. You know that a classic game of Dungeons and Dragons is a better use of your time.

DAVID

No, because with a computer regulating the game, I don't have to deal with your assholery.

STEFAN

Sure you say that now, but wait until you get an error message. Or your girlfriend breaks up with you.

(DAVID rolls his eyes, gets up from the table and leaves)

STEFAN

Oh come on, I have an awesome quest planned for tonight! You're supposed to fight the red dragon! David, come back! (an awkward pause). Screw it, I'm going to go level up in World of Warcraft. He'll be crawling back by next week.