*Most action and direction have been removed for the sake of brevity.*

JUDGE
Before us is the case of the Three Bears versus Goldi Locks. Miss Locks, can you describe what happened once upon a time?

GOLDI
(stands)
Your Honor, it goes something this.
(walks to corner of pig’s house and crouches down)

(BBWOLF enters and joins GOLDI)

BBWOLF
It’s simple I tell you. Just sneak inside and scare them pigs out.

GOLDI
Isn’t that against the law?

BBWOLF
Naw. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with scarin’ someone.

GOLDI
But what about breaking in? I know that’s not right.

BBWOLF
How else you gonna scare ‘em if you don’t go in? Besides, all you gotta do is make ‘em come out. I’ll do the rest.

GOLDI
Remind me again, why are we doing this?

BBWOLF
Cuz they gots bacon.

GOLDI
I don’t’ even like bacon. I’m a vegetarian.

BBWOLF
Not real bacon. Ching. Dough. Cold hard cash. Get it?

GOLDI
I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I’m starving.

BBWOLF
How’s about we feed you first?
(grabs GOLDI’s hand and pulls her toward the Porridge Pot)

GOLDI
I haven’t eaten in a week. Hey, where are we going?

BBWOLF
Here. Now just go in and gets yourself somethin’ to eat. I’ll wait outside and watch for trouble.
(crouches down by corner of store and waits)

GOLDI
(GOLDI enters building, scoops up porridge and sits down at the table. Makes a big deal out of preparing to eat. Just as she’s ready to take her first bite, she slumps over in a deep sleep.)

BBWOLF
(peeks in at GOLDI, puts finger to lips and shhhhs audience. Tiptoes over to Pig’s house, slinks in, steals cash and leaves. Stops mid stage and talks to audience)
What she don’t know won’t hurt her.

(BBWOLF slinks off stage.)

(alarm clock sounds.)

PIGS 1, 2 AND 3
(wake up, stretch and get ready for the day)

PIG 1
Egads. Me money’s gone.

PIG 2
Me dough’s all gone as well.

PIG 3
They got me cold hard cash!

PIGS 1, 2 AND 3
By the hair of me chinny, chin chin, we’ve been robbed!
(look toward JUDGE and freeze)

(Enter PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR and BABY BEAR. They walk toward the Porridge Pot. BEARS enter store without noticing GOLDI.)

PAPA BEAR
I can’t wait for a nice big bowl of steaming hot porridge.

MAMA BEAR
I’ll get them scooped right away so mine can cool down.

BABY BEAR
(takes a bite on his way to the table.)
This porridge is just right.
(sits by GOLDIE and eats hungrily; when done, looks up and notices her. Screams and jumps up.)

GOLDIE
(screams and jumps up)

PAPA BEAR
(grabs GOLDI and leads her back to her chair in the courtroom.)

(MAMA, PAPA AND BABY exit stage.)

GOLDI
(slumps forward in a deep sleep.)

JUDGE
Miss Locks! Can’t you stay awake for even a moment?

GOLDI
I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I’m narcoleptic.

JUDGE
And a thief. First you stole the Pig’s bacon and then the Bear’s porridge.

GOLDI
Your Honor, I’m a vegetarian.

JUDGE
I hereby sentence you to repay the Bears by helping out at the Porridge Pot. And if I see you in my court again, I’ll place you in the Ginger Bread Halfway House so the rest of us can live happily ever after.

GOLDI
Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE
That will be all, Miss Locks.

GOLDI
Yes, Your Honor.
(shudders, starts to cry, then slumps forward in a deep sleep.)

JUDGE
And may Grimm have mercy on your soul.