(I realize that there's some weird jumps in time and some characters just standing around without lines... I'm working on it. That being said, I still think this is wicked funny.)
Act 3
Scene 1
In the Gilded Bat Hotel Lobby- Breakfast
The stage is set like before. The Butler (or possibly a dummy dressed to look like the Butler, because let's be honest, that's a really long time to be laying there without moving)is lying dead in the parlour, up stage left of the servant's door. Cecile enters carrying a full tea tray, sees the Butler, drops the tray and starts screaming.
Iris and Freddy rush out of the office area, Bertram and Ashley and Jonah rush down the stairs, Prudence enters stage right, with Percy right behind her.
IRIS:
Whatever is going on? Oh! Grimbald! Have you fallen?
Freddy:
I think he's dead, miss.
IRIS:
Oh, how horrible? Are you sure?
ASHLEY:
Well, I don't think he's sleeping, not with that racket going on. Shut up, maid person whose name I don't know, have you no shame? My head is positively ringing.
BERTRAM:
Your head was ringing before we saw the dead Butler, Ashley.
ASHLEY:
Well, now it's two bells that are ringing. And they aren't in harmony.
BERTRAM:
You hear bells ringing when you're hungover? Lucky you. I never hear anything interesting; I just have a piercing pain.
ASHLEY:
Stuff it.
JONAH:
(after having checked the corpse for a pulse)
Indeed it's true
This man is dead
He looks like he's fallen
And hit his head.
ASHLEY:
Still with the poetry? Though I've got to admire your devotion. Whatever are you doing, Bertram, get away from that corpse! ...Hmmm. Maybe I'm just hungover--
BERTRAM:
You are.
ASHLEY:
Thank you, I never would have known that otherwise. It's just, do you remember how I said last night that the Butler looked just like my hated uncle Alfie? Now that he's dead, I realize he doesn't look a damn thing like my uncle. The absence of a cleft-palate is a dead give away, excuse my pun.
BERTRAM:
What pun?
(Ashley glares at Bertram but Bertram is entranced by the corpse and doesn't notice at all.)
Well, dead or not, he still looks like the missing link to me.
ASHLEY:
Bertram, once again, the Butler is not-- excuse me, was not-- the missing link. The Butler was not a monkey. I think you need to reread "The Origin of the Species" because I don't think you quite understood it.
BERTRAM:
Oh, I didn't read it. Not really. I'm using it as a paperweight, it's quite heavy. Why, does it have something to do with monkeys?
ASHLEY:
Well, that explains things.
Iris approaches the group from stage left.
IRIS:
Well, I contacted the police. They will be here shortly.
BERTRAM:
Whyever did you contact the police?
Prudence:
Because a man is dead, obviously. Look, his head's caved in; I can see blood and bone and what I think are brains leaking out.
Cecile screams again and once again throws the tea tray she was carrying. This time the tea splashes and spills all over Jonah's pants.
JONAH:
Damnation my pants!
I'll have to go and...
ASHLEY:
Do a dance?
(There is a moment of mutual glaring. Jonah exits up the stairs, damply.)
Bertram, stop touching that corpse! I don't want to have to tell you again!
BERTRAM:
There was foul play here... This man slash ape was murdered! But you don't have to call the police, Ms. Iris! I'd be happy to help!
IRIS:
What do you mean, help?
BERTRAM:
Help solve the murder, of course. I am a private detective, after all.
IRIS:
I thought you wrote the defining book on the art of the yo-yo throwing? I mean, you gave me a card saying so and everything.
BERTRAM:
Well, yes. But I am also a private detective of rare repute.
ASHLEY:
Of no repute. You've never worked anything approaching a case.
BERTRAM:
Hold on, I have another card!
(He digs in his pockets and gives another card to Iris.)
As you can see, everything is in order.
IRIS:
It says: Bertram Swindlehurst, Private Detective. No crime too costly, no murder too small...
BERTRAM:
And I must say, now that I've had a chance to examine the body, that this murder was not small at all. Your Butler was murdered... by confetti!
Everyone looks at each other, and then looks as one at Ashley. Ashley shrugs and pours a drink.
ASHLEY:
That didn't make any more sense to me than it did to you.
